What’s behind anxiety

I’m sure that at some point in your life you might have experienced anxiety. In fact, feeling anxious is something rather normal. The issues start when anxiety doesn’t stop. Constant worrying can lead to sudden episodes of anxiety and panic. In turn, these episodes can leave a person in a frozen state. Anxiety can interfere with a person’s daily activities and potentially put their life on hold.

Based on research, there are many causes of anxiety and anxiety-related disorders, one of which is trauma. In a previous blog, I dedicated my full attention to trauma and how it can change us. Anxiety and trauma go hand in hand, and I had my share of both. Nothing resolves itself until we research into the matter and try to learn more about ourselves.

A horse of a different name

Anxiety is as common nowadays as opinions. Everyone has one. In fact, as many as 40 million people are affected by it. It’s not entirely sure what is the cause of anxiety as it can stem from various things. What is known is that there are several forms of anxiety:

• Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
• Obsessive-Compulsive Disroder (OCD)
• Panic Disorder
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
• Social Phobia.

I am sure you heard of at least one of these terms being thrown around. They are not something to joke about simply because they can be crippling. The difference between anxiety and fear is that fear is an impulse for immediate action. Whereas anxiety makes you worry in anticipation. So basically, you always feel like you’re in danger. Think of the battle of the Goldroad in Game of Thrones. Think of seeing those dragons coming for you and burning all in their path. That’s pretty much what anxiety feels like: the feeling right before the battle. Fear is what your body feels during the battle when you’re fighting for your life.

But why?

Anxiety doesn’t pick sides. It finds itself in your mind and it behaves like a parasite taking over every corner of your life. Remember that anxiety and trauma go hand in hand. As we evolved as species we also developed the capacity to feel anxious and it serves us to alert and protect us from external threats. The cool part is that anxiety functions to alert us to threats that target our reproductive changes. So for example when someone threatens our property or reputation, anxiety kicks in.

Does this ring any bells? How about the fear of being judged by others? Let’s not forget that we are social beings and we depend on well-organized societies. Anything that threatens our public image can pose a threat to our survival as individuals. The problem is that we can get stuck in that feeling. We start worrying all the time. We see doom all around us and we can’t think clearly anymore.

Anxiety and trauma

This is where I wanted to bring you slowly. Traumatic events, if left untreated through therapy, leave this anxiety alarm on. All the time. This constant alarm creates a form of hyper-vigilance which is at the core of disorders such as PTSD.

I don’t know about others, but when I feel anxious I ask myself what’s behind it. What am I not allowing myself to feel right now? Is the situation in which I find myself reminding me of another past event in which I felt the same?

My 5 tips on how to manage anxiety

In my work with my clients, we begin by identifying anxiety. We name it and accept it. Then we start digging to figure out where it comes from. It’s a tedious process, but many people are happy to do it. The next step is to learn how to manage it. Based on my personal experience and my work as a counsellor, I have put together a simple list of things you can also try.

1. Question yourself

Anxiety is the best story maker in our minds. We play various scenarios, one more terrible than the other. Most of the time, these scenarios are based on nothing. 99% of the time, the worst-case scenario that plays in our mind, won’t even happen.

So start questioning your own mind. Is your prediction of doom the only possible outcome? Or are there other possibilities? What are you actually afraid of? Are you afraid of a negative outcome or are you actually afraid of the positive one?

2.Face the fear

About 12 years ago, I moved to the Netherlands and I was a fresh driver. I didn’t have much experience and the little that I had was in the jungle of Romanian roads. I tried to drive here in someone else’s car. I ended up in a panic attack while driving and that scarred me forever.

I did not dare to drive for 10 years. I developed a phobia of driving. This is rather strange given that my friends know how obsessed I am with cars. I felt my entire body becoming a ball of concrete each time the subject of my driving came up.

Then Corona happened. I wanted to see my family, but I did not want to fly. At the same time, I didn’t want to depend on my husband to drive alone for 3000km. So I had a choice: or I let fear consume me and miss my chance to see my family, or take the bull by the horns.

Thanks to all the Gods, I found an incredibly kind soul who understood my problem. He showed immense patience and empathy and slowly allowed me to change from sweating my ass off while driving to actually enjoying it. Needless to say, my first sessions left me drained for the rest of the day. I would come home and change all my clothes because I of sweating. I would need a nap and a calming tea.

Having said that, I now own my own car and I drive wherever I need to go. I am still scared each time I leave the house. But I crush it in my mind like you would crush a cockroach. It won’t eat me and my love for cars.

3.Be in the now

Anxiety likes to project in the future. So it’s very important that you try to stay in the moment in which you are. When you’re grounded in the present, anxiety doesn’t exist. How could it? Anxiety requires uncertainty about an unknown outcome, which can only be about the future.

4.Talk to someone

Anxiety has this incredible power to isolate you from everyone. Before you even go out, your mind will start projecting worse case scenarios. It slowly drains your energy and you end up staying in for the day.

Besides living in the present, another antidote to anxiety is to be social. Crush that anxiety with love and care from your family and dear ones. Go out, meet new people, be open and even tell them about your issue. You’d be surprised just how many people deal with it too. And if you’re really not comfortable opening up to friends about this, then find a professional who is there for you.

5.It’s not about perfection

Many of my clients start applying these steps but they always say: ‘I tried doing this. It works, but it’s not perfect.’ I am here to tell you that it’s not about perfection. It’s about creating habits. This stupid brain of ours likes patterns and repetition. What if, instead of repeating the doom pattern, you choose to teach yourself the new steps? Every day, step by step. It’s not about failing, it’s about getting up and continuing.

None of this is easy to do once anxiety is high. But I challenge you to try and understand what lies beneath the surface. Imagine an iceberg: the very small top is your anxiety while everything under the water is what you’re not letting out. Allow yourself the exercise to be open and to admit that you might be hurt, disappointed, angry, anxious, frustrated or simply sad. Dare to challenge these thoughts and to try to change your old pattern. Clearly, it’s not serving you in any way.

And always remember this: by simply allowing yourself to explore what other feelings sit underneath your anxiety, you are taking amazing steps towards understanding yourself. If you allow your body to experience whatever holds you encaged in anxiety, you will be able to make it to the other side. And OMG what a feeling that is!

Anxiety and trauma go hand in hand, and these are things you can always talk about with a trained counsellor or psychologist. As hard as it is to let strong emotions come to the surface, I promise you that you will feel so much better once you let it all out and you realize that you’re not at fault for anything that you are going through. You were simply at the wrong time and in the wrong place.