When I think of my childhood years (the happy ones), I remember a 6 years old child who loved to be surrounded by other children. I enjoyed being surrounded by chatter, laughs and people of my age. But as an adult, I had to learn that happiness comes from the unlikeliest of sources if you only know where to look.
But what if I were to ask the adult you, what makes you happy? I think you would give me some answers in the realm of a better salary, a higher function, a bigger house, a new car, a vacation, or that pair of Jimmy Choos that was on sale last week. In general, the adults around me seem to determine their level of happiness on the back of external factors.
Is this the best for us? Are external factors making us truly happy?
Long-term happiness
In my counselling sessions, I see a recurring theme/question: how can I be happier? And when I start asking my clients what would make them happy, 100% of them would refer to my list above. Would I surprise you if I told you that materialistic things don’t sustain long-term happiness?
British philosophers John Locke and Jeremy Bentham explained that our joy is directly related to the number of positive events experienced in our life (Lilinefeld et al., 2010, & Eysenck, 1990). Furthermore, in a study conducted by Kahneman and colleagues in 2004, the moods of 909 employed women were tracked. They had to write down their daily activities and experiences. The conclusion was a clear one: most of the major life situations (household income, job benefits) had almost no connection to a moment’s joy. What did connect strongly however was the quality of their sleep and their inclination toward depression.
Not even money can make us truly happy. It has been researched that in general, we need enough money to pay our bills and be able to purchase a few extra things. Anything we earn above 60,000EUR is already resulting in a very small relationship between money and happiness.
The Holy Trinity of happiness
In this video, Dr. Jennifer Aaker tells us a bit about the things that make us happy and about the things that make us less happy than we think. According to her, things that are less important include money, beauty, youth, intelligence and education. Those that matter more include self-esteem, social skills, free time, volunteering and humour.
She focuses a lot on the importance of volunteering. As someone who did this for more than 20 years, I can definitely add my vote to that box. Volunteering is about doing something greater than you. It goes beyond happiness and relates very much to fulfilment. I have never felt more fulfilment than when I volunteered for a cause I strongly believed in.
Finding your own purpose is also one major element of our inner happiness. For me, just working for a corporation and scoring a big salary has absolutely no fulfilment. I want to give my time, attention and passion to something I really believe in. If you haven’t already, check out my article here on finding one’s purpose in life.
Lastly, because we are social animals we need to socialize. Sitting at home, watching TV nonstop, leaving the house just for groceries and then back, spending countless hours on our phones, and complaining all the time about how unhappy we are while spending our money on useless stuff online is not a way to find joy. We also need to spend time with others and share ideas, knowledge and emotions. Even if we’re not in the best of places, the ones who care for us will be there no matter what. All we have to do is to reach out.
If you also find yourself in a situation where you simply can’t find your happiness, I know that counselling can help you with this. You already took the first step and did a Google search on the matter. Something that brought you closer to me. Now all you can do is drop me an email. I’m sure we’ll crack this egg together.
