7 signs of a people-pleaser

So let me make one thing clear: I was a people-pleaser. I became like that because of various reasons I’m about to name, just in case you figure out you’re one too. In general, people-pleasers confuse people-pleasing with kindness. We think it’s normal so we behave as such our whole lives.

For many, however, the passion to please stems from self-esteem issues. These people hope that saying yes to everything that others ask of them, will help them feel liked and accepted. Most of the people-pleasers have a history of trauma, and at some point, they decided that a safe way for them to be loved and accepted is to please the ones who mistreated them. It’s a fear-based response that worked for them especially in their childhood. In time, as adults, they still function by following the same pattern. The issue is that this safety behaviour no longer helps them in their adult life.

It can become so bad that when faced with reality, people pleasers are unable to see it. They refuse to believe that what they are doing is wrong because, after all, they’ve been at it for their entire life. Unfortunately, most of these people will end up in a burnout, having stretched themselves too thin.

Signs of people-pleasing

Because it’s a safety response developed in many years of life, people-pleasing is a hard habit to break. Even for me, after many years of therapy and self-work, I still struggle to say no sometimes. During my self-awareness work, I noticed I was struggling with a few things which are typical for people-pleasers. The anxiety that arises from not pleasing someone is rooted in an old fear-based system. We used to people please the most important ones in our lives and we still apply the same beliefs in our adult lives. So here are a few common beliefs you might harbour:

Feeling responsible for how other people feel

This is a big one ladies and gentlemen! It’s absolutely fine to recognize how our behaviour may influence others. However, when thinking that we have the power to make someone happy kicks in, that’s a problem. It’s up to each individual around us to be responsible for their own happiness. You are not responsible for anyone’s feelings or how they react to your actions.

Apologizing to no end

If you blame yourself all the time or are afraid that people always blame you, this can be a sign of a bigger problem. Being stuck in a never ending cycle of apologies can be exhausting. Never be sorry for being yourself. If they don’t vibe with you or if you always have to apologize for being yourself around them, then they weren’t meant to be around you.

You do things you don’t feel like doing

Out of the kindness of your heart, you might end up doing things that you think others want you to do. Going back to the story from the beginning of this article, have you ever felt like you’re doing a job or a task just because your manager wants you to do but your heart’s not in it? This will stretch you thinner than paper.

You just can’t say NO

You might say yes and then actually do it. But you might also say yes, call in sick to get out of your promise and then feel guilty for that you pulled out. Sounds familiar? That’s because saying NO is a big issue for you. But let me ask you this: how are you going to ever do anything for yourself if you keep saying yes to make others happy?

You feel scared when someone is angry at you

I used to work for a manager who would walk in every day with various moods. Sometimes he would be happy, bust most times he seemed angry or nervous. Even if it had nothingato do with me or work, I always felt like I did something wrong. That burned me out in the end because I would try to mirror his emotions. In my case, past trauma had a huge role. When I was a child I had to mirror my mom’s moods. And I never learned to break that pattern.

You need praise to feel good

Like the good kid that you are, you need mommy to praise you and tell you that you did well. In itself, that’s a normal wish, to be recognized. But people-pleasers depend on validation from someone else. As long as your own value relies entirely on what others think about you, then it’s only normal that you’ll feel good about yourself only when others cover you with compliments.

You hate conflict

Oh mahn! When I was a people pleaser, I used to hate arguments. I would do anything in my power to avoid going against someone because I was afraid that they won’t like me anymore. I can’t say that now I love to argue, but I am better at standing my ground. I don’t need someone’s constant approval or validation anymore. If there’s something wrong, I will speak up and say it. And that is, as they say, that.

I want to break free

It’s absolutely fine to want to impress your manager and show that you care. It’s also ok to want to help your friends when they ask for your help. What’s less ok is to constantly please others at the expense of yourself. You’ll never reach your dreams if you’re trying to be everything to everyone.

Your awareness journey starts right here, by reading this blog. Each step you will take is going to help you gain even more confidence. And if you really struggle to let go of these habits, then ask for help. Keep in mind that functioning from an anxious place, will slowly consume every ounce of your energy. You’re constantly acting based on a set of beliefs and values that no longer serve your current life. You’re not a child anymore. You don’t need to please others constantly in order to be loved.