Whenever I hear my clients thinking low about themselves, I always ask them whose voice is it that they hear? I want my clients to sit with that internal voice and understand where it comes from. In 99% of the cases they realise where it comes from. Rather they break in tears, or they feel anger towards all those who put them in this mindset. In the moment we don’t give power to this voice, we are free to find out who we actually are.
But, I have a secret to reveal: I’m also damn good at negative self-talk! It’s like an addiction and no matter how hard I try to steer away from it, somehow it comes back. However, this voice living inside my head is not my own. So then, who’s talking? What is it that I’m hearing and how can I change it?
The power of inner voice
If you’ve ever heard yourself talk in your own mind, please know that you’re not alone and you’re definitely not crazy. ‘Inner voice’ also known as ‘inner dialogue’ is the result of some brain work taking place in the background that causes you to ‘hear’ your own voice.
Even though it is fairly normal to have this, there are also people who simply don’t hear this inner voice. This voice is controlled to some extent by something called corollary discharge. I know it sounds complicated but see it simply as a brain signal. This signal helps you make a difference between various experiences that take place inside or outside your body.
Many times unfortunately this inner voice of ours doesn’t seem to be as loving and as caring as it should. We hear ourselves being our own critics and we punish ourselves verbally when we fail at something. In many cases it stems from some form of childhood trauma. So how can we change this dialogue to a more caring, loving, and accepting one? Counselling is definitely a healthy path to take and together we could discover how to improve this inner talk to a point where it nurtures you.
What does the voice in your head sound like?
The voice in my head is made out of various people who criticised me when I was a kid. Be it my mother or the teachers at school, this voice turned into a monster. And yes, it may even look like a Loch Ness monster. When I fail at something, I’m the best at beating myself up by making use of this voice. It is ugly and negative and I know I wouldn’t use it on anyone else around me. It’s almost like this self talk creates a blur between reality and my own mind. Like looking through a rainy window and everything is fuzzy.
So why is this self-talk so negative? Why does my brain come back to it like a moth to a flame? Neuroscience research shows that our brain likes negative talk because it causes a higher process in the brain. When we think negatively, the response in our brain is greater than when we think positively. So we really are addicted!
Editing your own self-talk
Even though science clearly shows us that our brain gets high on negative talk, we also know that our brain can change. The way we can bring change is through consistency. It doesn’t have to be that we make huge changes quickly. After all, Rome was not built in a day.
Mind you, this is not a task for the light-hearted. You need patience, consistency, and more importantly, curiosity. Changing your own self-talk means that you have to “think about what you are thinking about”.
When you pay attention to that inner voice, you will be able to notice anything negative about yourself. There’s no one up there in your head but yourself. No one is able to control what you think so you’re the only one who can do the work.
Your new inner voice might sound a bit fake at first. It won’t feel natural simply because you’re so used to the negative self-talk. But this is not the time to call it quits. You need to push, you need to keep doing this exercise as much as you can until it will feel natural.
Here are a few examples:
| Negative dialogue | Positive dialogue (change) |
| I will never be as good as – insert name here – because they are smarter, have more experience, and are older. | Everyone experiences life in a different way. I am younger and less experienced, but I am different. My values and their values do not coincide. So I am my own person, with my own knowledge and experiences. |
| I have failed my parents because I never had children. | I need to continuously remember that I’m living my own life for myself. I make the rules and I make the decisions. I am not living a life to please anyone. |
| I am ugly because when I look in the mirror I don’t see a perfect body. | Beauty has nothing to do with how we look like. It actually has a lot to do with what’s inside of me. People who love me, don’t see my looks. They see my soul. And that’s the only thing that counts. |
Do you also struggle with your own internal dialogue? Have you ever had the feeling that the voice you hear is not your own? Then feel free to reach out and we can both take this journey into self-awareness.
