In part I of this mini-series on toxic relationships I started talking about what toxic relationships are. I highlighted some of the behaviors that are typical for toxic people. And lastly, I tried to give you some examples of what happens to your mind and body when you stay in a toxic relationship.
I’m 100% sure that we all want to surround ourselves with people that lift us. We want to have supportive and lovable family and friends who nurture us. As much as we aim for that, it happens that sometimes we meet toxic people. Sometimes, we’re even born in a toxic family. Cutting these people out of our lives is difficult, but very benefic once the step was made.
Start your discovery journey
I think that the first step in toxic relationships is made. You are reading this blog so that means something. It means the knife reached your bone and you’re starting to have enough. Now that you’re here and you’re reading this, you might want to know how can you tell if you’re in a toxic relationship.
- Somehow there’s always something wrong with you. The other person has a toxic habit of criticizing you all the time. You’re not doing things as they would like you to. You don’t look like they would like you to. They don’t understand your emotions. And the list continues. Rarely if ever, do they find time to reflect upon themselves. And when they do it, they are always the victim.
- They leave you empty. My mother used to always criticize my body. You are too fat. Nobody will love you. Nobody will marry you. You will end up alone. Multiply these comments by 20 years of my life and you start believing them. All these years left me like a ghost in the shell.
- They are jealous. If you dare to make other friends, they will constantly criticize them. If you buy something, they will try to buy something even greater. The competition never ends.
- They are master manipulators. Gaslighting, triangulation, guilt tripping. You name it, they mastered it. They always pendulate between victim and aggressor whenever you face them with their own actions. And somehow, it’s always your fault.
- They are never there. Ever had that feeling that you’d like your parent or your friend to be there for you? Ever opened say your own business and you would have liked them to support you and encourage you? Instead they either 1) pulled a Houdini and went invisible or 2) gave you infinite lists of why it wouldn’t succeed.
These are just some of the signs you can watch out for when it comes to toxic people. Having said that, what can you do about your relationships with them? Honestly, from personal experience I can tell that they are having a very hard time accepting any of these. Most of the time, they are not aware of any of these issues. And if you make them aware, they are incapable of dealing with the emotions.
Why are toxic people toxic?
There are so many reasons for which they become toxic. You never know what someone goes through. Research has revealed a set of possible factors that determine their behavior and the most common are:
- Childhood experiences such as neglect or trauma
- Education – think here monkey see, monkey do
- Mental health issues like anxiety or depression
- Own choices – some toxic people choose to engage in toxic behaviors.
That might leave you with little choices. Most of the time there’s nothing you can do to help them change. But you can change yourself. Cutting ties with toxic people is not easy because you care about them. But here is a challenging question:
Do you actually care about the toxic person or you care for the image you have of them in your mind?
This one’s going to hurt a little, but many times out of need for love, we create images in our mind. The parent in front of us is toxic and displays all of the behaviors above, but we still love them. We imagine that they love us too. Sometimes we have glimpses of how they could be, but then they change right back. We hold onto those relationships in the hope that one day they might love us for who we are. But here is another thought:
Toxic people don’t love themselves to begin with. This makes them incapable of loving anything or anyone else.
Cold turkey
The best way to protect yourself and your mental health, would be to set strong boundaries. This is not an easy thing to do when you still care for the toxic person. But ask yourself again: do you actually care about them or about the image you have in your mind?
When you decide it’s time to take control over your own life, I’d start with a few things.
First of all, figure out what your boundaries should be. For example, you might want to limit visits, or you might want to limit communication with them. You might want to limit conversations about certain topics that seem to ignite the drama. Make a list of these items and decide for yourself, what would work best.
Secondly, I’d communicate clearly these boundaries to them. But don’t expect them to remember or change over night. Remember, you’re dealing with a child in the skin of an adult. Therefore, repetition is key. Be clear in what you need and use the power of “I”. Using “I” statements will help reinforce your message and will make you the owner of the boundary.
Thirdly, prepare to be consistent. You need to continue reinforcing these boundaries. You might also need to be prepared to fight for your boundaries. It’s not like a toxic person would simply accept it. Quite the opposite, they have a tendency to behave like little children when you take their candy away.
Further down the road, I would suggest finding your own support circle. Maybe a spouse, maybe a friend, or maybe even a therapist. You don’t need to take this journey alone and you shouldn’t. Setting boundaries with toxic people is a tough decision.
Lastly, forgive yourself. The first thing you will feel when you set boundaries with toxic people (especially parents) is guilt. You will feel guilty and you’ll feel like you’re a bad person for choosing yourself. You will cry and you will mourn a relationship that never existed. But while you mourn that relationship with them, mourn also the bad relationship you had with yourself. Because I promise that you will come out as a totally different person. You will be stronger, you will love yourself more, you will become aware of the things that make you unique.
In the third and last part of this mini-series, I will talk about completely cutting contact with toxic people. That is also a difficult step which I took some years ago and for which I am extremely proud of myself. But more on that in the next blog.
Until then, I challenge you to identify the toxic people in your life. Try to see if they fit some of the behaviors above. Ask yourself how do you feel around them. Find out what would be the best for you. And remember, you are never alone in this.