Alexithymia happens when a person has a hard time identifying and expressing emotions. Against perceptions, this is not a mental disorder. This condition is considered linked to depression and autism.
What I find incredible about this mechanism is that it literally means ‘at a loss of words’. The word comes from Greek: ‘a’ meaning lack, ‘lexis’ meaning word, and ‘thymos’ meaning emotion — overall, it means having a lack of words for emotions.
And yes, you’ve guessed it. This one too, stems in our childhood. It seems to be more common in men than in women. This is because of the father-son relationship, given that women are more prone to use emotional language.
In general, people living with this condition can show certain behaviours:
- They are unable to observe their own mental or emotional processes
- In general, they experience confusion around physical sensations related to emotions
- They can’t communicate their emotions to others.
Symptoms
I’ve had the chance to follow a workshop about people exhibiting this behaviour. In general, they are incredibly smart persons, with the potential of a genius. But they don’t always work with counsellors or therapists because it is hard for them to understand that this behaviour, can bring them harm.
In general, these persons exhibit some common ‘symptoms’. I use the word symptoms but remember, Alexithymia is not a mental disorder. It is a defence mechanism.
- Unable to identify their emotions
- Their communication with their significant others, family or friends can limited to the logical elements of their work or research
- They have trouble reading facial expressions and emotions in others
- Their thinking is very logical and rigid
- Inability of dealing with stress
- Friends and family would describe him as distant and humourless
- General lack of satisfaction with their life.
Origins
Research explains that Alexithymia ‘serves as a temporary, albeit meticulous, defence against emotional pain whereby a person suppresses or represses the conscious experience of the distress. Typical emotional functioning resumes when the stressor or threat subsides, or as the person develops more sophisticated coping skills’ (Soni et al., 2018).
Furthermore, ‘Alexithymia can lead to insecure attachment styles in adult romantic relationships, as children who develop Alexithymia may have had parents who were ambivalent, rejecting, or emotionally unavailable’ (Scigala et al., 2021).
In general, families where there is a clear and more traditionalist division of gender roles, tend to dampen the expression of feelings. In our society, boys are more encouraged than girls to suppress emotions and shut down their feelings. Sentiments such as vulnerability, sadness, shame, love, tenderness are closed in a box to be forgotten forever.
Impact on social life
The research showed during the workshop I followed, explained how serious this condition is for the social life of people. Most of the ones who eventually ask for support, find themselves in a counsellor’s cabinet out of fear. But many loose everything in their lives before they realise how lonely this condition can be, and how, by doing nothing, it can impact their children.
In a relationship, these people don’t know hot to co-regulate emotions. If the other person is sad or needs love, they are unable to offer it because they never learned. What’s even more difficult is that the emotional needs of their partners can make them feel threatened and overwhelmed. When that happens, they close in themselves even further, because self regulation of emotion is the only thing they know.
‘A partner of someone with alexithymia may feel abandoned in plain sight, as it often evokes anxiety, and fears of rejection or abandonment.’
(Scigala et al., 2021)
How to convince someone to follow therapy
It’s really difficult for someone with Alexithymia to ask for help. In their mind, the way they handle things is the best and only way. They think that’s how it should be and they are unable to understand that their actions or inactions, hurt their loved ones.
So how can someone get a person living with this defence mechanism to go to therapy? Remember that Alexithymia is not a a mental disorder, but more like a cage in which this person lives ever since childhood. During the workshop, it was explained that there isn’t always much a partner can do to force them into therapy.
The greatest achievement of therapy has yet to take place: people can’t be healed if they don’t want to. However, these otherwise nice people, can risk to loose everything in their lives if they don’t make a change. Keep in mind though, that the original families in which they grew up, will never be able to recognise this as an issue. They themselves might deal with the same mechanism.
So as frustrating as this can be for the ones who want to see their partners change, it has to come from them as well. Individual counselling or therapy can help on this journey into the discovery of the self, but only if the person in question chooses to do this.
