More often than not, we are surrounded by negative feedback. The more we’re told not to do a certain thing, the more we want to do it. Further exploring our own self-awareness, I thought I’d dedicate a complete blog to giving feedback, seeing as how many people around me just suck at it. No one is trained on how to give feedback, and as a result it can feel like a personal attack instead of constructive feedback.
Negativity and the human brain
In one of my previous blogs, I was briefly mentioning the fact that our brain simply gets high on negative input and that’s why we become so stuck on bad feedback. However, in my career, I found that people can’t deal that good with negative feedback. Similarly, we also can’t give feedback at all. Unless we learn more about it ourselves.
During an interview for a previous job, I was asked how I deal with negative feedback. So I gave an answer threefold:
We get high on negative emotions
Research shows that whenever our brain receives negative input of any kind, brain activity increases due to the release of certain chemicals. By knowing this, I already prepare myself for the negative feedback while being aware that this is simply what my brain likes. I get high on negative feedback. That will be the only thing I will be stuck on after the meeting.
We can’t process negativity
Research proves that our unconscious mind can’t process negativity, interpreting everything we think as positive thoughts. Let me give you an example – if you think ‘I don’t want to lose my job‘ your unconscious mind will focus on ‘loose my job‘ because it doesn’t process negatives. Losing the job becomes the goal in your unconscious mind and like a kid who wants to please, it helps you behave in a way that keeps you in that job. That might not be what you actually want.
The way you can turn this thought into a positive one would be to think ‘I want to keep my job‘ or ‘I want to do something that makes me happy‘. Like that, your brain will be fed with a positive idea from the very beginning.
With that in mind, I already know another reason for which my mind will focus on the negative feedback. I will try to prevent that from happening so that I won’t end up focusing on something that is far from what I wanted.
People suck at giving feedback
Sorry folks! That’s the naked truth. Unless you studied more about this or have done some self-education of sorts, I know for a fact that you will give crappy feedback. It’s not the end of the world, this can be taught. Keeping this in mind, helps me listen to the one in front of me and ask the million-dollar question: WHY?
- Why is my work crappy?
- Why is my suggestion not to your liking?
- Why do you feel like my plan is not complete?
Always listen to your gut and go back for more information. Your truth is different than anyone else’s: we all see things from a different angle.
How to ask for feedback?
In my opinion, I think the most important thing in asking for feedback is figuring out whose opinion you actually care about. Not everyone in your environment has the knowledge or the willingness to give you honest and constructive feedback. Honestly, there are people in my working field who I would never go to for feedback. I simply don’t care about what they have to say because I don’t value their opinions. And that’s absolutely ok.
As soon as you find the right people, think about the topic and the right questions. Keep in mind that no one is trained on how to give feedback, and as a result it can feel like a personal attack instead of constructive information. Imagine you’re in a work environment and you just finished a big project. You might think to ask questions in the lines of:
- What did you think about this project?
- How did you experience this project?
- What aspects did you enjoy the most?
- Are there things you’d like to see again next year? What about things to change?
- Would you say that this project was relevant for you? If yes why, if no why?
- What about my performance during the final presentation? What did you like about it? What feelings did my speech evoke in you?
- Would you have any tips for improvement?
While they proceed to share feedback, pay close attention and really listen to learn. Don’t listen to cover your ass with counterarguments. Even if the feedback is unexpected to you, in the end, you asked for their feedback. And remember that your brain will definitely get hooked on the negative while it can’t even process it in the right way.
If things in the feedback session don’t make sense to you, just go back and ask for more information. Don’t leave the room with unclarities. On the other hand, if something was left unclear and you didn’t notice this during the feedback session, you can always go back to the person and ask for more information.
‘Hey, during the feedback session you mentioned that my last speech made you feel happy. I wanted to ask you more about this, however, it simply slipped my mind at the time. Could you maybe help me understand this better?’
Feedback methods
On the last note of this blog, I want to go back to what I mentioned above: people suck at giving feedback. So how can you give feedback in order for the other one to actually learn something and maybe improve?
There are many methods out there for giving feedback and I’m not sure just how amazing they all are. But, whatever you do, never kick off with an endless list of things that should be improved. Many of my feedback sessions went like this:
Me: Here’s a prototype of the website you asked me to build. In the past few hours, I tried to incorporate everything you have mentioned, but I also made a few tweaks based on my work experience. It is far from complete, however, before I put more time and effort into this, I wanted to see what you think. Have a look and let me know your feedback about it.
A person comes back to me after a few hours: I had a look at it and I think that the layout is weird. I don’t like the background colour, and is that a stock image? Everyone will have the same one so I want to change that. I’m also missing a lot of other details so it needs a lot more work before it’s perfect.
At this point, I let them ramble for 10-15 minutes and when they finally stop for a breath, I simply ask: ‘Awesome feedback! Anything you liked about this draft website which obviously does not include everything in it yet?‘
They basically butchered a draft because they expected a final website after just a few hours of work. This ties in with the blog I wrote a while ago on how to manage expectations. No one is trained on how to give feedback, and as a result it can feel like a personal attack instead of constructive feedback. Lear to read between the lies, ask the right questions and don’t ever let it get to you or demotivate you.
So: whatever you do, don’t start your feedback in a negative way. The only thing it achieves is to kill creativity, personality and enthusiasm from the other person. Their mind will focus on the one message their brain processes: they couldn’t make you happy. So that will turn into ‘I need to make this person happy‘. They will forget everything about their own knowledge or expertise on the matter. They will simply do a crappy job in order to please you.
